FEAR STALKS THE LAND!

I swear one of these days i'll have a none stop day were i don't have a break in the action.

One this day, I will roam from location to location attending my engagements and discuss the events of the world like a modern day scholar commenting on the problems of the world but in secret have no desire to change them.

I will not have to worry about the shadows of the rest that block the skies from the talented sun that i wish i hold. But, as we all know: the sun will be the death of us in the end. 

I would say,
'If the baby boomers and generation Y has no desire to change the current energy crisis maybe the next generation of children will be able to pass it onto the next. Because it's someone else's problem.'

I'm creditable now.
But I always have been.

I won't have to grace the stage. I won't have to apprechiate the flowers. I am the flowers. 
My roots go further down than anyone can reach
Because the nutrients are deep under the soil and very scarce.
The sun helps me grow.
But there are alternatives when the orange glow is hidden.

I won't need a professional title.
I don't have the experiance.
Or the right talent.

I'll have the correct facial hair for the role in life that I wish to aquire.
But by then they'll be looking for the newly blooming plants to fill their gardens.

I'll have something special to say i did.
it won't be recognized.
I mind.

But I guess that's someone else's problem

.

Who knew that a week that looked so promising could fall apart so quickly?

I was absolutely excited about working this week but sadly that has been snatched from me due to our Michigan weather! I know a lot of people hate winter but come on... I need money.

A good way to put it was I was almost leaping with joy that my week was busy because these nights alone at my house just kill me. I can't do this for the rest of the school year. I get too depressed. I feel like this should be my downtime away from everything but it has turned into a horrible mess where I just sit here and beat the fuck out of myself, I lay there and just make myself feel bad about my grades, my life, me. Who knew that alone time would turn into something so awful. I just want to relax and write.

Which brings me to my next point. I can't write given these situations! I want to so bad... So fucking bad! But I just can't find the energy to draw myself to do it. I have some good ideas but no drive because i'm afraid that the writing won't turn out good if i'm in a bad mood. I just want to feel better.

I've been stressed out about my survey given that I had to work on the day it was scheduled, but I doubt that i'll actually be working thursday if the weathers keeps up with this bullshit.

So, I'm not working tonight... Which opens up my night to hang out with Camille because I won't see her this weekend. But since I STILL don't drive I can't just drive over and hang out.. I have to ask my mother. I asked her nicely if she could bring me over and she didn't want to. So that was the last straw I just came downstairs and got ahold of Camille and just couldn't take it anymore. I tried to sleep again [I was nodding off earlier, so I thought it would work again...] I laid down and closed my eyes and all that I heard was my mind just commenting on how much I sucked lately.

I practicually fail tests I study for.

I waste my time when I am alone.

I can't stay happy for anything longer than two days.

I mistreat the people I love.

etc etc!

I just don't know what to do anymore. Just when I think everything is looking up for me I start to lose it again. When am I going to get my break!? I just can't do this anymore! I just wish I could figure this out and leave this troubled nonsense behind me! What the fuck is wrong with me?

I also wanted to at least try to go to the fabric store this week so I don't waste my time in the only class i'm enjoying anymore... But I doubt that is going to happen either. I just can't afford that right now. I want to sew so bad it actually makes me feel like i'm doing something with my time. I brainstorm with all the stuff I could be making if I had fabric... Which I don't. So that just means one more miserable class at school tomorrow.

I wish my thoughts would just turn off for one second and I could sleep through this down period...

Or I just need to see you when I can because you help so fucking much.

-Jay

Today was amazing.

To best explain this to you the easiest way I could I plan on splitting it into chunks.


BEFORE SCHOOL:

I woke up with a good mindset. Happy. Along with a desire to go to school. I put poptarts in my bag along with my change jar. I am ready for the day.
Looking outside it is still cold and snowing which makes me happy because that is an indication that I will start working soon which means i'll have money to get a laptop.

I get to school and talk with Camille which is always a fantastic way to start my day. After awhile I decide that I'm in the mood for some orange juice, So I open my backpack to get out my change jar and sadly find it shattered in my bag. Which means that there is roughly $11 dollars in change floating around in my bag. I put the shattered change jar to rest in a nearby trash can where I will never see it again. And to think the night before I was considering replacing the glass container with a nich cloth bag to hold my change. The jar must have sensed the coming of a kou and decided to end it's very own existance. How sad. But I didn't mind too much.

I get my dollar in change ready to get some orange juice and upon arriving at the Ram Shack I find out that there is no more OJ but just some Orangeade [which I have NEVER heard of... I've heard of GRAPEADE but this is outrageous!!!] So I decide to try some 'orangeade'. Sadly it was nothing comparable to the deliciousness of most other 'ades' I have sampled.

I head over to the Freshmen Center for my first class and slap on my new tunes 'Gureolito' by Beck. What he did was just take 'Gureo' and remix all the songs. It makes for a really pleasent listen for the morning. Trippy as hell.

FIRST HOUR: CHINESE 1

I realized I had a Chinese test earlier in the morning and did some quick craming of chinese charecters before class. I thought I knew all of the material but quickly realized that I didn't. I can take a little bit of a blow in that class because I do so well in it regardless. So not doing too good on a test doesn't put me in the hole too much. And it's not liked I failed it. I didn't even come close.

I get out of that class every day a little bit earlier to catch the shuttle bus. But today I got out to to the front of the school and the bus isn't even there yet so we wait inside for like 5 minutes waiting for the bus to come watching the snow fall like cotton balls from the sky. Finally, the bus comes and we all walk out to it. When I got on the bus I did't even look in the bus driver's direction because of her late manner which cuts into my 'seeing Camille' time. I wasn't pissed I was just dissapointed. I sound like a parent.

Second Hour: AP European History

Second hour is always a blast for me at least lately because we haven't been taking an hours worth of notes we have just been watching movies and having cool little talks about the material we are studying. And lately it's been stuff i'm really into like the french revolution and Napoleon. We have been watching this PBS video on Napoleon that actually is really good. Napoleon was a fucking badass that is all I have to say about him. Towards the end of the video I started to feel really bad for the guy though because he gets owned by Europe. Poor guy.
Who knew he kissed the Czar?

Third Hour: Honors English 11

This class sucks. We have been 'discussing' Young Goodman Brown for the last couple days. And when I say discuss I totally mean Connolly reads us the story and then makes us feel stupid when he asks us questions that we obviously don't care about. So the entire class [except Ms. Stokes] just bullshits their way through it. I can easy say that I have become a professional bullshiter because of that class and maybe a better writer. Easily the highlight of this class was when the class' effort to get Connolly on a tangant worked and he started discussing modern lit. into contemporary lit. He talked about technology in the learning enviroment [which is his storngpoint] and he even drew us the graph that he shows us every other week.

This one.

The graph is showing that the younger years of learning are using technology to teach younger years but because of budget problems that the older kids IE: HIGHSCHOOLERS don't get those advantages blah blah. Anyway it's a pretty boring subject so I jazzed up the graph by making it look like a snake... I thought it was a nice touch.

SO, Connolly was talking about technology and learning and then all of the sudden his temper flared and he litterally launched the peice of chalk he was grasping in his claws across the room and thus shattering it on the back wall near his desk. "YOU KIDS OBVIOUSLY CANNOT HANDLE THIS CONVERSATION!!!" He snarled, as he clicked his pen in a feirce manner quickly trying to bring back the class to actual learning. Truely brillant! He EVEN said "BROTHER'S KEEPER" today so all in all it was one more thing to laugh about. That man makes me nervous. I don't want him to launch ME across the room at a wall... He probably could. His power is harnessed in his 'stashe.

Fourth Hour: Clothing 1

Nothing too exciting happened this hour except for one thing.
I'm almost done with the skirt i'm making for Camille and I was pinning the lower band onto the skirt and I didn't have enough room in the classroom so I took it out into the hallway to work on it. Casey who didn't have anything to do decided to help me pin it on because the skirt is HUGE so I needed the help given my lack of actual time to work on it. So we were in the hallway and I walked over to Thom Spica to talk for a moment and I came back and Mrs. Pierson was standing there admiring the skirt and she looked over at Casey and said, "WOW! This is a really really nice skirt!" and Casey stared over my way and smiled as I said, "Thank you Mrs. Pierson! It's for Camille." She walked over to the bathroom and didn't even look at me. Funny how 'grown-ups' act sometimes isn't it? Maybe she still hates me for RUINING her play? Or maybe she just hasn't realized that it sucked with or without all of us in it? Either way she is a bitch.

LUNCH!

I discussed with my board of district lunch associates what I should get for lunch today. We decided on a sub combo and breadsticks where I would then sell Tim the fries for a bargin price of one dollar. The board has never been stronger. Taylor Harding owns 12% of my mouth.

All and all lunch was delicious.

Fifth Hour: Psych. Lit

On the way to fifth hour I talked with Mr. Forward and Eppink. It was a really good passing time. Hibdon's class was fantastic we didn't do anything except swap food and talk all hour. It was great. I got to watch the kids in Eppink's class make snow angels and give thanks to the Snow Gods for the wonderful snow day they gave us. We are lucky souls. Hibdon doesn't get the snow dance or Eppink's teaching styles... But then again it IS Hibdon's first year here! "That has NOTHING to do with Biology!" He said as the class laughs at his unawareness of the amazing teaching styles of Mr. Eppink

Sixth Hour: AP US History

My favorite hour of the day. We watched movies about the Civil War and talked about eating bowling balls and even Rambi Williams said, "I'd rather eat poop! HEY! At least it's soft!" According to Mr. Miller Rambi is a beach bimbo.

Racist Rambi
Beach Bimbo

Even she laughed.

I love that hour because I get to see Camille all hour which gives me the warm fuzzies and makes me so happy.

Today was an amazing day!


Hopefully i'll get called by Pando sometime to start working.
HEROES IS ON TONIGHT.

Love and peace,
Jay.

Today I went to school with a change jar with $2 in it. I walked out with $10.

"If you put your change in this here jar you will recieve one personalized life changing compliment from me."

$10 later I realized that people will buy compliments.

Love and peace,
JdG

noodle on that.